Kindergarten

I am waiting in anxious anticipation of school starting.  My little girl begins kindergarten in a matter of days.  No more lazy mornings. No more extra snuggles, no more  days of planning field trips and outings.  She will be gone from 8-3 or some near semblance of that and I am left with an empty pit in my stomach, a litany of fearful thoughts rushing through my head and a bucketful of regret on all the ways I should have done more, been more, played more, read more, baked more..... with this tiny little gift God gave me.

Have a wasted precious time with my baby girl?  We are so much a like that we hit heads constantly.  My high standards for everything are too often pushed upon my little girl who is just a little girl, and my push for perfection is pushed onto her at times as well.  I am left with the echoing wonder of how often did I do that?  Will she remember?  Will she fight herself and her own expectations of herself as I fight mine?  Does she feel she will never meet my expectations?

She cracks a joke, twirls around and swirls after her brother into the other room requesting tickle time, when I am done with.... (fill in the blank).  Then at the end of the evening I realize, and of course she reminds me, I never got to the last game of tickle time.  I missed our morning snuggle or we didn't do  an art project today and the pangs of regret ring through.  

Sometimes I sneak into her room at night and snuggle up with her when everything is done wishing I had not put her aside, but the other things.  Regretting that I missed that game, or tickle time, or story, or snuggle time.  Hoping I have time to make amends tomorrow.  Yet with the advent of school the tomorrows are not the same and there is now no time to make amends.

The downward spiral of regret can threaten to take you over unless you put it back in perspective.  If I keep up on the cleaning I can spend more time with them because I won't be a crazy woman feeling overwhelmed by the house.  We need to eat, I have to cook dinner, and maybe just maybe she needs some practice in patience.  Goodness knows I stink at having those.

So here I sit at 10 o'clock crying my eyes out because kindergarten fast approaches and our lives will be changed forever.  I wonder if she will hate it or love it, strive and thrive, or withdraw and crumple.  I have seen her do all of the above so I truly don't know what she will face or how to help her or what to do.

I realize in this moment that is being a parent.  Loving someone so much you cry for them, you cry because of them and you do all that you can to support them, yet you are powerless.  You are completely powerless over the ultimate outcome and you have to simply step aside and watch.  I wonder if God ever feels this way.  I wonder if this is part of his pain. Watching us flounder, grow, and use our free will, while all the time he is standing beside us trying to let us walk on our own two feet without helping too much so that we can grow and make our own decisions.  

I know I need the help now.   God please give me the strength and courage I need to live in today, not regret yesterday and do what I need to in order to be a good parent to my babies.

Thank you Lord. Amen.